Friday, January 27, 2012

The Letter the #CBJProtesters Wanted to See

To Columbus Blue Jackets Fans,

There is no question our on-ice performance is nowhere near what it needs to be. All of you are disappointed and many are angry. I and the entire Blue Jackets organization share these feelings. We were planning to sit back in our 'country club' style offices and ride out the season losing most of our games. We have a LOT of time before we get to draft first overall, so other than sell off some of the players we have, we weren't sure what else to do.

On Monday, I was awaken from my nap after a couple hours in the hot tub and informed that a mob of angry fans are organizing and planning a protest.  Now that our poor performing team is getting some media attention, it is time that I try and figure out what to do next.

I sent my administrative assistant to go undercover on twitter as code name @CBJ_OwnersRSmart, and rummage around the #CBJ and #OccupyNationwide hashtags to see what the fuss is about.

We've learned that the fans who should be used to losing seasons by now, are apparently growing frustrated with our lack of success. I also learned that they are telling me to fire Mike Priest and Scott Howson.  While Priest is a great Euchre partner, and Howson is a shark on the pool table, it's probably time I make some changes.

Due to the fans' outrage, we will be firing Mike Priest on Sunday Jan 29, 2012 at 10:14am as soon as he leaves Church with his family.  Don't tell him yet, we want it to be a surprise!  

For Scott Howson, we will fire him also on Sunday, but for him it will be 'American Idol' style where he will be in one room, and some other staff in other rooms.  Then I will walk in and get his hopes up that he has been chosen to stay, only at the end to say "sorry, but you're going home".

I hope this plan fits the needs of the angry mob.  If you need anything else done, go ahead and organize another protest.


John P. McConnell

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